Breakdown to breakthrough

A breakdown used to make me think I was weak but now I know how strong they really make me. There is power in a good cry and how it will release the past from my present. Paul tells us to renew our minds and with renewal of our minds we cannot bring yesterday into our today. This has been the hardest thing for me to accomplish and usually I am pretty good at it but recently I was hurt and someone tried to gaslight me. People that think they do and do for you bu that you have never done for them. They cannot accept any responsibility for their actions. They will not ever apologize. They will not ever admit to their faults. These people are narcissist. They are the worst kind of abuser and it is hard to get out from under the control of their words. I really want to hate this person, but I know if I allow that and choose that route that I have grieved the Holy Spirit that lives in me, Jesus that lives in me and God because of the commandments. They are really the only thing that has separated this person from a lengthy wrath of me. My alter ego also had to go. She was mean and spiteful and could cause some damage to anyone that felt they could push on me. I was not for bully’s and would take care of them but in that midst my realization was that i had become a milder version of what I could not stand. Oh how that hurt me worse than the hatred that wanted to grow in my heart.

It really took this person hurting me to make me better instead of bitter. I will be honest and say that I do not want to look at them again and they lost their all access pass to my life. They can watch me from a distance because they will never be included again. It took a lot of lessons for me to get to the point where I would actually shut them out. People are so crude and call themselves Christians. That is not the spirit of God living on the inside of them. I am not sure what spirit they got but it isn’t my God’s. Their fruit will speak for itself! This is why God has been telling me that this person was not my battle. I needed to let them go but I had hoped for the best and that they would change. This person has twisted scripture and lied, numerous times, trying to hurt me. A narcissist is impossible of feeling empathy. They do not care about anyone but themselves and if you are around one you need to move. The reason these people have been pushed out of our lives is so God can have His way in our lives. You will know if this is for you because you will have dealt with some of these same things. An example of the astronomical lies they tell is “ I had a hummingbird land on my floor because it got tired and I was able to catch it and take it back outside so it didn’t die.” I immediately asked what color it was because i knew it was a lie. One a lie is out there is gives satan a legal right to our lives. I have died explaining this to this person but they do not care. I write this as a warning so nobody else has to experience what I have. Learn from me.. do not be like me.

God has been telling me since last July that this person had to be removed from my life. I did! I got rid of them but they always had their charming ways of returning to my life. I would try to see the best in them and pray for them to turn from their selfish ways. I knew the truth but I remained hopeful. Monday was the last and final straw! This person lost their access to my life permanently. I do not hate this person and for the first time in my life I do not seek revenge. I hold some cards and I have the final play.. I do not ever want anyone to make Ann, my alter ego, return. I think this was like a final test to ensure I was ready to grow up more with the Lord. I believe this had to happen to see if I would go to hurt them like they did me but I didnt and I truly do not have the desire to. I do not want to hurt anyone. Learning to love the difficult people, forgive and forget has been the hardest part of this entire journey. I believe 10000% in talk therapy because that is what it took for me to move past this. My therapist is Jesus and we have talked about this for the last three days but no more after today. I allowed this to steal my peace and that lets me know that satan was involved. I will not give his agents one ounce of pleasure to my life. When satan cannot get to you he comes at you through people to steal your dreams, kill your peace, rob you of your sleep and cause death to your future. If we stay stuck satan has won and I will never give him the advantage over me again. I will not allow that rat to come between me and my destiny. It often times takes a detrimental breakdown to cause us to breakthrough. Mine and your words are too valuable to spend on people so cheap! Watch your words and guard your hearts my friends.

Writing here has also helped me heal. I believe in a lot of prayer. Meditation has helped me so much and not just on God’s word but mindful meditation. I can see myself walking with Jesus and we talk. This is powerful. It takes being still and now I see why He told me I’d need that verse (Psalm 46:10) for the rest of my life. Reading the Word of God and fixing my eyes on Him helps too. Sometimes it is rereading my favorite stories and it takes a whole lot of being intentional. I did not want to write here today. I have not done my podcast, yet, but I will. I have only been live on facebook once or twice, I am not sure, this week when I was doing that every day but when I am dealing with things I like it to be just me and Jesus. This person will never know they got to me like they did unless they read this because like I said my words are too expensive. Dancing with Jesus helps me a lot too when I need to move past things. I have breakthroughs (revelations) with Him all the time. What I wont do is allow someone any authority over my life any more. I take all my power back that anyone has ever had over me and I am not interested in pleasing anyone but God. He literally had to get me here. None of this has been easy and my enemies have been defeated! God will do way better than I ever could at getting even and He has told me that so I will back away and be His vessel. God knew what He was doing when He told us we had to love everyone. It ensures we do not expose them to our own wrath. Wrath is a spirit that satan uses to destroy our destiny. Do not allow him to have another second of your time. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus- the owner of your prize.

Heavenly Father, we thank You for all the breakthroughs You have taught us. We Praise Your Holy name and life You on High. Thank You for Your mercy and Your grace and Your forgiveness. We ask for forgiveness of our sins, for almost adhering to the call of the world and we ask You to bring us back in tight fellowship with You. Thank You for loving us and for us being your favorite.. Lord, we rest in You and Your Word says that means we are protected from all evil and their fiery darts, shield us Father, protect us and allow us to know You have got it. Thanks for teaching patience because nobody can teach like You. Thank You for all the lessons of this journey to date and we look forward to so much more with You. Thank You for healing our hearts, renewing our minds and us starting out new. Thank You Lord, we love You. In Jesus name I seal this and I plead His blood over my life, my sins, my messes and ask You to cleanse me and make me whole. In Jesus name- amen