Moving on

First, I’d like to start with an apology because I have not written here in about three months. God started telling me things He was about to do and it, well, it freaked me out a bit. He started talking about lifting the dead through me. This went deeper than lifting the ones we call dead in Christ- those that do not know Him. This went to the heights of lifting the embalmed dead. Why would He ever want to use someone like me for this astounding feat? That was my only real question but then He asked me some questions that put this into a different perspective. He literally asked me, “ would you go to your brother and help him with a dead body?” Well, my answer was absolutely. If my little brother ever needed help covering a dead body I would help him. So, then I got the question, “if you would help hide a dead body why won’t you help Me raise one?” I fell to my knees with that.. and I will do anything Jesus tells me to do, He is also my brother.

Then, He started talking to me about marriage. This, this took me aback because I have been married five times. Getting married again freaked me out more than lifting the dead. Who would want such a failure? Why would I ever want to try that again? The woman at the well ring a bell? Jesus loved her anyway and He loves me anyway too!! Then He told me who it was and I had no idea how He was going to pull this off. I still dont to be completely honest, I cannot see any of this in natural but impossible is God’s specialty. Do I love this person? That was what I had to search myself on. I have searched and yes, I do love them. I am not in love with them, yet, but I have full faith that God will pull this all together. I am not sure how or when but He has shown me enough over the past year that I trust Him. Another question was does this person love me? I do not know. I do not know so much. Not knowing is one of the hardest parts of everything that is happening around me. God surely has to reassure me a whole lot, I will be honest. And, He does! He tells me He has got this and it will all come together. I had to search myself to see if I even wanted any of this but I have learned that I do. I do believe in family and all the love that surrounds it. I loved being married but I do not like being treated less than what I deserve, being lied to, manipulated, etc.. all those things that come with a bad marriage that should have never been. I compared every relationship to one that I did have that was simply amazing. Why? I think because I was happy even though it was bad timing.

Traumatic brain injury (TBI) made me feel like everyone hated me. How badly I was treated is something I hope and pray nobody ever goes through. I am not sure if it was all TBI or from the enemy but either way God has delivered me. He surely delivered me from thinking negatively about myself and has taught me to love myself again. A portion of me that I hated has now become one of the best parts of me. I do not need the past. I do not need to dwell on the fact that I dont remember much of my life. I dont need it! I need the present and the future and to live in it. It took me eight years to realize this, none of us need our pasts.. why do we even want to live there when so much of who we used to be is not who we are today?

He has made me strong! I can take anything thrown at me and I know this because of things I endured over the timeline of my healing. I am so very thankful for everything. Being strong is one thing, learning to love again is another. Betrayal, offense, hatred… these are things I had to overcome and Jesus did that because I was a grudge holder that would just cut folks off instead of communicating. There are still some I find that I cannot help. God quickly tells me that they are not my battle to let it go and to shake the dust off of my feet. I have learned that some people do not want me but want what I bring to the table. They do not care about anyone but themselves and I have learned I do not want to be around those that manipulate. I dont need that negativity in my life and neither do you. We deserve to be loved like Jesus loves us. We all do and if there is a selfish person around you please know you cannot fix them. This is something only Jesus can do.

God has taught me to love again. This was probably the hardest things I have learned over the last few years. Why would I ever want to purposely give my heart to anyone? It has been broken so many times and I have learned where I went wrong, because I am far from perfect, I am far from having it all together. Having a heart that was numb was easier than opening it up to others but without love we are nothing. I knew in my head I loved people, however in my heart there was nothing. God supernaturally performed a heart transplant and gave me a new heart. (Ezekiel 36) There have been several trips that God has sent me on this year to show me things, to heal me and to replace what I had lost. He isn’t done yet because there is so much the enemy stole. Just know that God can and will replace everything. (Joel 2) How? I do not know and I am not sure we are supposed to have every how or why. We are human and our natural minds cannot wrap around so many things- me getting married again is one of those 🙂 but He has assured me He will never leave me and He has got it. Trust in Him and His process of healing your heart. I am proof it can and will happen because if God was ever going to give up on anyone it would have been me but His love endures forever.

This has been a tough season for sure but it has come to an end ! New beginnings are on their way. Keep your faith no matter what you see in our world because God is doing so much in what we cannot see.