What a day and it’s not even 5 o’clock yet. I’m sitting in my recliner, still in my pjs and I’m not getting out of them, crying and talking to Jesus. My Jesus what a day! This brought up so much, so much pain that still resided in me (in my heart) that I had buried, didn’t even know was still there. I buried pain, hurt, rejection, and fear. We uproot every seed that pain, hurt, fear, and rejection left behind in the name of Jesus. We command it shrivel up and die never to rise again! Bow and go! Thank You Holy Spirit for hitting us with Your fire to burn all the residue out of us! Thank You!
I’m sound asleep but hear a knock on the door. I think maybe I’m dreaming or Holy Spirit needs to tell me something so I get up. I’m like I hear you Jesus, I’m up. (He wakes me all the time so this is not unusual) I use the potty and then hear bangs on the back door. I’m really wondering what is up now! That bang is real! I really thought it was my wake up call this morning. It’s 0430 and someone is really banging on my door. I remained calm, it didn’t shake me, a year ago that may not have been how it would have went down. I ask Holy Spirit “do I need to get a gun and then go to the door or do I just go?” He said you’re fine, you’re fine, go to the door. I’ve learned when He says something once to pay attention but when He says it twice it’s extra important.
I go to the door and open the blinds to see a kind, warm faced young man that carried some terrible news. He knows trauma too but calls it a job. A county deputy at my door this early is never good, never! He’s just standing there in the rain, and says my name, he was sent, and I come to find out later he was. I motioned for him to come in and said “get in here out of the rain” I learned I have a whole new trust level w Daddy. I knew that this guy had bad news but I also, at the same time, knew that my kids were fine. Holy Spirit had me at complete peace. Everything in me screamed peace. A phone number I have was needed and a call was placed. I couldn’t do it, I tried, I had to hand the phone back to the deputy. My heart is so grieved, so heavy and so sad. How do you tell someone their fiancé passed in the middle of the night? I still don’t know. I don’t know what he said or how long it took or where I was when he was on the phone. I handed the phone over and wasn’t present in the present for a moment. I was there but not there, trauma! Trauma does this to the brain. I had to work to not throw up.
I’ve praised Jesus all day bc I’m a firm believer in praise and He has held me up! It’s spring break and I have the girls and didn’t crack. We played and had fun. I did cry a few times. Lily and Addie had never seen me cry, Lily said; “Grami, you cry? You’re crying, Grami” and she hugged me. The sweetest hug, nose nuzzled in my neck and all, sweetest hug! We held this embrace for quite sometime. We prolly both needed that hug more than we knew. Then, I kinda chuckled and said, “well actually I cry a lot. Addie chimes in looking at me so sweet and lovingly, “just not in front of us, huh, Grami?” So wise! Yes, I cry a lot but not in front of them, guess I need to allow them to see my emotions and how I get through them (it’s all Jesus)so they will know when in a crisis who has their back.
I find it easy to praise Him today. A few years back this was my biggest fear, my only fear, and today but it wasn’t my child. I pray, cry and grieve with the parents, fiancé, and children. Oh my Jesus be all their strength and guide their steps. Hold them tight and embrace them with all Your love.
Jesus! This should have freaked me right out! I trusted. I learned even more about the me You created today. Thank You. I absolutely hate this happened, so young, so young! Thank You for letting me know them while they were here, such a beautiful person. Thanks for all the peace and for bringing back mine and her Jesus conversations! Thanks for letting me know without a shadow of a doubt she is with You! Thank You for sooo much more! I love You so much!
This hurt! This healed! Without this I’m not sure if any of this would have surfaced. I would have preferred it stay dormant to be honest. It has tried to come up but the circumstances haven’t been this much like my former days. I forget the former things and press on with You! I trust You Jesus! I trust You!
Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. I think I’m gonna have a beer and dance w Jesus. Oh Daddy, pour Your peace upon her family and friends.
Be Still & Shut up 