Wanting to be wanted…

I met up with a friend not too long and some very profound words come out of this persons mouth, “ I just want to be wanted.” I felt that! I felt the hurt in the heart of betrayal, fear and longing for more. I have been thinking of this since. We all, in our own way, want to be wanted. A person’s greatest desire of the heart is to be wanted. Not needed but wanted. This sentence has resonated within me since that meeting. Do people not know they are wanted? Do we somehow put ourselves on the back burner for others? Unknowingly giving up what we desire and what we need in our own lives because of a longing to be wanted by another person? Do we give up what we really want for fear of what others will say and how they will react? Why do we do these things?

This made me think about God and how He, too, wants to be wanted. What if we did not go outside of ourselves to discover how much we are truly desired? Will there still be loneliness when we find who we are and the the longing we so desperately desire is not obtainable in whatever season of life we are in? There are times God calls us to loneliness in order for us to see how truly desired we are, by Him. God is a God of romance and love. Look at the great love stories of the Bible – He is in all of them. Will His love always be enough? Do people even really go after Him when they feel this pit inside of them longing for love and the desire to be wanted by the perfect person? I have so many questions …

When God created Adam He knew that Adam didn’t need to be alone. So, God created the perfect essence of beauty when He created woman. The ezer kenegdo – not just a help meet. What is that anyway? Ezer means lifesaver, when I say there was a lot lost in translation I am not kidding. Women are maybe the weaker of the two but never to be counted out because we aren’t by God. Ezer is only used 20 other times in the OT and they are all to describe God not woman. Is it not profound that that same word was used to describe God and the women He has created? I am not saying God is a female but how great it is to know that woman is an ezer and so is our Lord and savior? I believe God is whoever you need Him to be at that moment. But ladies, let me tell ya wisdom is a female! And she was with God when He formed the earth. I find this enchanting and rich with glory. Women are the lifesavers of men. God is the lifesaver of us all. God is a very relationship oriented God. He created us in His very own image so we could share life with Him. Kenegdo means counterpart. So women are the lifesaving counterpart to man. No wonder that old saying is known so well, “behind every good man is an even better woman.” I love that God created woman last. She was the last thing formed during the creation of everything. He saved the best for last and gave us His heart this year. My heart aches at times and I do not even know why. There is a longing in me that I cannot explain. It is not that I want to be needed. I want to be wanted. So many have walked away from their first love that they don’t understand that when they find Him they find everything. But it is completely normal to long for a mate. God us created us that way.

It is not good for us to be alone but in reality we never are. He is always with us but there is a need for human contact. Holding hands, kissing, talking about the things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.. those things- love. I have learned over the last year that I find myself wanting that again. Wanting to be wanted. Wanting to be loved by someone that is deserving of the heart God gave me. Maybe I have been in isolation for way too long. I was in my home for a year and a half and didn’t have contact with but about six people. I learned, I searched, i changed, i healed, I found me. It was lonely a lot of times but I also learned how to cry and mend myself. My hurting heart from the past. My broken heart from being alone. I laughed. I cried. I cried more in the last few years that I think I ever have. Three Christmas’ in a row I worked through a ton of heartache. I still cant talk about all of it without crying. I am not sure if that means I am not healed or if I am merely fully human.

I dont allow many people to get to know my heart. I have not opened up to many people except in this blog which is rather crazy to me at times. I am letting the world know how broken and completely off script I have been in my life. Decembers are extremely hard for me but not too many know the pain associated with this month, January isn’t much better. For many years I despised this time of year. Some days, when I am all wrapped up in my flesh, like today, these things still hurt tremendously. December is the month my deceased husband was born in so I face his birthday year after year without him. Then we hit January and that is the month he died. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It destroyed everything about me. Is been 23 years next month, 10 years of therapy and it took God Himself to heal me. I have never loved a man that much. I gave him my whole heart and he was so much fun. We were always laughing and for a long time I thought I would never laugh again. When I died he was standing in that tunnel of light waiting on me. I would have given anything to get into that light. To run into that tunnel and meet him with open arms. To see him was startling, intriguing, mystifying, so many emotions still fill me when I think back of that night. I think this must have some healing in it getting it out because these are things I do not allow others to see in my heart. The heart wrenching sobs that this pain creates is not something I really want anyone to look at or perceive. I do not even know where to go next talking about this. I miss him. I miss being wanted. I miss being loved. Not just by him but in general. I have searched for love in all the wrong places since his death and I will not ever do that again. I’m not sure if God will ever send me another love like but I have hope because it is not good for us to be alone. I lost my husband to suicide because of a demonic attack so I am full of faith that whomever God sends me will be even better than what I lost. Not that I would ever compare but .. you know what I mean.

I have been single for several years now but I find myself wanting more. I want someone to share adventures with and if it is me and God so be it. I am more than happy with that. God wants to share adventures with us too. I would have never dreamt about being with another man until God started talking to me about marriage. I did not ever want to go through that again. Now that I know who I am in Christ and that He has been raising me to work for Him and put out prophetic words I am not sure He even meant me when it came to marriage but maybe it was just for others. I never longed for another because I really like me. I love who God created even with all the struggles. Maybe it wasn’t me He was referring too and my discernment was off at that time bc I heard about marriage over a year ago. It is possible I was just supposed to help the one I thought it was heal from their past. I am not sure at this point but I know that no matter what I will never be alone and that I am loved immensely. I will always love that person and they will always have a friend in me. Does he know who he is? Sure isn’t because I have told him. I will not mess with freewill. He has a choice in all of this and I want him to be with me because he wants me not just because God said we were to be together. God is gonna have to tell him too because I do not want to. I wont say that I wont because then I will have to spill it all. I know my discernment wasn’t off but there are days that I wonder if this person will ever be healed enough to be with someone like me. It is gonna take strength, dignity, humility and the will to do what God says when He speaks…

I was terrified of ever being with another person and giving my heart away again. I have done that wholeheartedly twice in my life and my goodness does it hurt to lose that. I am not too sure about that crap it is better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all. Healing a heart is some serious hard work. I love my children so I wouldn’t change my life with Vinnie for anything in this world but do I even want to experience that or chance it again? God has been telling me He is giving the desires of our hearts but I am not sure I even have any, if I am honest. There is nothing I want or need. I could die today and know I lived a full happy life. My children are grown and self-sufficient. Then I search my heart again and realize I want to see more of them grow. I want to see my grands grow into adulthood. I want to meet my great grandchildren. I know when I will die because I asked. We literally have not because we ask not. I have been so scared to tell all of my story because, well, to be honest, if it were not my story I am not sure I would believe it but possibly think that person was nuts. I told a few people what happened to me and they told me, “dont tell anyone that they will think you’re crazy.” So, for eight years I didnt. I did not breathe a word of it to anyone about my experience with hell and the demons. I would tell everyone that would listen about heaven but not hell. It is time to end that and speak out. People need to know it is real. I was scared that as soon as I put my book out I would die so I had to work that out with God. I had to ask and I had to know that wouldn’t be the case because people need to know but if I were going to die as soon as it was out I wasn’t ready. My book being out and doing the will of my Father is for sure a desire of my heart. What do you want? If you used this year to seek Him next year you will see what is in your heart.. what do you want?!

I want love again. I want that. I want to share my ministry with someone. I want to share my Kingdom purpose with someone. It is a huge calling and I want someone that shares my belief system. I want another believer. I do not want a Christian wrapped up in religion because those are who told me I would be deemed as crazy and locked in a mental institution. I was not and am not crazy I was however brain injured. I believed things I shouldn’t have ever believed that others spilled into me. I might be crazy for God but as far as loony toon nuts I am not- well, maybe on some day 🙂 A severe brain injury and I shouldn’t be sitting here, and since I am I should be an invalid in a nursing home. Two weeks is all I ever asked for if I ever had to fight for my life and after that I want all machines off. I didn’t want to put my family through that heartache or have to live on machines. I woke up from a coma they said I would never wake up from on day 9. 5 days from the plug being pulled … 5 is God’s number for grace. Oh at the grace He extended to me. I feel like an emotional wreck tonight .. what a way to end this year, huh? But I know it could always been worse. My worse is laying in the MED in Memphis, TN dead. Dying in the chopper over there. Laying in my car for 45 mins while they cut me out.. those are my worst. Seeing my son scream; “she’s dead” as he got out of his truck because he was driving behind me. Nothing is worse than all of that even spending NYE alone in the bed writing in a blog… lol.

It doesn’t help any that I have been up since 330 this morning and worked for God this morning and kept my grands all day. I am a bit fatigued. I got in my feelings at about 1530 when I broke and started crying. I came into my bedroom and fell to my knees in prayer and just started sobbing. I didn’t really know why and I still dont but some of this must be why. I am taking the entire day off tomorrow to go eat at my best good friends house and getting some rest. That is unless I need to put out a word from God and that is fine with me. I enjoy my life with Him. A whole lot! I have been so scared to add anyone to this. Could I keep my relationship with Jesus the way it is if I add another person to the mix? Can I love two men? Can I love all of someone? Have I learned to pray more than I speak? Can someone out there love all of this crazy girl that I have become? Someone that laughs at absolutely everything? I can and I will .. is He out there? That has yet to be determined.

As far as the desires of my heart there you have it. Those are my innermost desires. Yes, I want more. Yes, I believe God has a perfect person for me. Yes, I believe that this person will love all of my crazy and they will love Jesus more than they love me and that is what I want. I want to share this with someone. I want to teach the world Who He is on a level they understand the full capacity of the love He has for each one of us. I want people to see the power that resides on the inside of them. I want people to obtain healing, total healing- mind, body and soul. I want people to understand that spirit realm that we do not normally see. I want them to know they have angels there next to them. I want them to know how special and how truly wanted they are. Rejection runs deep and I desire to help people see that is the pit of our own demise- rejection. God will never reject us and I want everyone to know that. I do not care about money. It is nice to have but God takes care of His children, I have no worries. I have had them but not anymore. Ok, I feel better now. You all got to read me search my own heart on what I truly desire for 2021. There are a few books I want to put out to teach what lectures cant. I want the businesses God promised me and the marriage He has been telling me about. I want it all. I want to be romanced in the same way God wants us to go after Him. I want miracles, I want the revival we all long for. I want football stadiums filled with people talking about God and there to hear about Him. I want the triple threat – salvation, healing, deliverance- for everyone. I want to travel the world telling my crazy story. I want the homes. I want the cars. I want the outdoor kitchen I have seen in a dream. I want He could ever possible dream about giving me. When I was with Jesus and knew I was coming back without a brain basically, for an amount of time He did not tell me about, all I wanted was wisdom. I wanted to be more intelligent than I was before my accident. I have had many titles in my lifetime: mom, Grami, nurse, criminologist, mediator, survivor but my most favorite is child of God. I know my title with God and there is no need for me to stick anything before my name and I have no need to add anymore initials after my name. I am over that! I just want to help Jesus save more people and hear well done my good and faithful friend when I arrive in heaven for good.

We all want something and I am telling you now to search your heart. See what you truly desire because He is about to blow your mind. Whatever He is sending you will be far better than your imagination could dream up. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.

If you find your heart is longing for something you never thought you would want again, like marriage, that was instilled there by God. Let Him work on your behalf. Let Him tell you who it is. Let Him work on you to prepare you for what He has for you. Let Him gracefully mold you. I might bend but I wont break and neither will you. Happy New Year my friends! Have a safe night. I love you all!