Be Still & Shut up

I met up with a friend not too long and some very profound words come out of this persons mouth, “ I just want to be wanted.” I felt that! I felt the hurt in the heart of betrayal, fear and longing for more. I have been thinking of this since. We all, in our own way, want to be wanted. A person’s greatest desire of the heart is to be wanted. Not needed but wanted. This sentence has resonated within me since that meeting. Do people not know they are wanted? Do we somehow put ourselves on the back burner for others? Unknowingly giving up what we desire and what we need in our own lives because of a longing to be wanted by another person? Do we give up what we really want for fear of what others will say and how they will react? Why do we do these things?

This made me think about God and how He, too, wants to be wanted. What if we did not go outside of ourselves to discover how much we are truly desired? Will there still be loneliness when we find who we are and the the longing we so desperately desire is not obtainable in whatever season of life we are in? There are times God calls us to loneliness in order for us to see how truly desired we are, by Him. God is a God of romance and love. Look at the great love stories of the Bible – He is in all of them. Will His love always be enough? Do people even really go after Him when they feel this pit inside of them longing for love and the desire to be wanted by the perfect person? I have so many questions …

When God created Adam He knew that Adam didn’t need to be alone. So, God created the perfect essence of beauty when He created woman. The ezer kenegdo – not just a help meet. What is that anyway? Ezer means lifesaver, when I say there was a lot lost in translation I am not kidding. Women are maybe the weaker of the two but never to be counted out because we aren’t by God. Ezer is only used 20 other times in the OT and they are all to describe God not woman. Is it not profound that that same word was used to describe God and the women He has created? I am not saying God is a female but how great it is to know that woman is an ezer and so is our Lord and savior? I believe God is whoever you need Him to be at that moment. But ladies, let me tell ya wisdom is a female! And she was with God when He formed the earth. I find this enchanting and rich with glory. Women are the lifesavers of men. God is the lifesaver of us all. God is a very relationship oriented God. He created us in His very own image so we could share life with Him. Kenegdo means counterpart. So women are the lifesaving counterpart to man. No wonder that old saying is known so well, “behind every good man is an even better woman.” I love that God created woman last. She was the last thing formed during the creation of everything. He saved the best for last and gave us His heart this year. My heart aches at times and I do not even know why. There is a longing in me that I cannot explain. It is not that I want to be needed. I want to be wanted. So many have walked away from their first love that they don’t understand that when they find Him they find everything. But it is completely normal to long for a mate. God us created us that way.

It is not good for us to be alone but in reality we never are. He is always with us but there is a need for human contact. Holding hands, kissing, talking about the things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.. those things- love. I have learned over the last year that I find myself wanting that again. Wanting to be wanted. Wanting to be loved by someone that is deserving of the heart God gave me. Maybe I have been in isolation for way too long. I was in my home for a year and a half and didn’t have contact with but about six people. I learned, I searched, i changed, i healed, I found me. It was lonely a lot of times but I also learned how to cry and mend myself. My hurting heart from the past. My broken heart from being alone. I laughed. I cried. I cried more in the last few years that I think I ever have. Three Christmas’ in a row I worked through a ton of heartache. I still cant talk about all of it without crying. I am not sure if that means I am not healed or if I am merely fully human.

I dont allow many people to get to know my heart. I have not opened up to many people except in this blog which is rather crazy to me at times. I am letting the world know how broken and completely off script I have been in my life. Decembers are extremely hard for me but not too many know the pain associated with this month, January isn’t much better. For many years I despised this time of year. Some days, when I am all wrapped up in my flesh, like today, these things still hurt tremendously. December is the month my deceased husband was born in so I face his birthday year after year without him. Then we hit January and that is the month he died. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It destroyed everything about me. Is been 23 years next month, 10 years of therapy and it took God Himself to heal me. I have never loved a man that much. I gave him my whole heart and he was so much fun. We were always laughing and for a long time I thought I would never laugh again. When I died he was standing in that tunnel of light waiting on me. I would have given anything to get into that light. To run into that tunnel and meet him with open arms. To see him was startling, intriguing, mystifying, so many emotions still fill me when I think back of that night. I think this must have some healing in it getting it out because these are things I do not allow others to see in my heart. The heart wrenching sobs that this pain creates is not something I really want anyone to look at or perceive. I do not even know where to go next talking about this. I miss him. I miss being wanted. I miss being loved. Not just by him but in general. I have searched for love in all the wrong places since his death and I will not ever do that again. I’m not sure if God will ever send me another love like but I have hope because it is not good for us to be alone. I lost my husband to suicide because of a demonic attack so I am full of faith that whomever God sends me will be even better than what I lost. Not that I would ever compare but .. you know what I mean.

I have been single for several years now but I find myself wanting more. I want someone to share adventures with and if it is me and God so be it. I am more than happy with that. God wants to share adventures with us too. I would have never dreamt about being with another man until God started talking to me about marriage. I did not ever want to go through that again. Now that I know who I am in Christ and that He has been raising me to work for Him and put out prophetic words I am not sure He even meant me when it came to marriage but maybe it was just for others. I never longed for another because I really like me. I love who God created even with all the struggles. Maybe it wasn’t me He was referring too and my discernment was off at that time bc I heard about marriage over a year ago. It is possible I was just supposed to help the one I thought it was heal from their past. I am not sure at this point but I know that no matter what I will never be alone and that I am loved immensely. I will always love that person and they will always have a friend in me. Does he know who he is? Sure isn’t because I have told him. I will not mess with freewill. He has a choice in all of this and I want him to be with me because he wants me not just because God said we were to be together. God is gonna have to tell him too because I do not want to. I wont say that I wont because then I will have to spill it all. I know my discernment wasn’t off but there are days that I wonder if this person will ever be healed enough to be with someone like me. It is gonna take strength, dignity, humility and the will to do what God says when He speaks…

I was terrified of ever being with another person and giving my heart away again. I have done that wholeheartedly twice in my life and my goodness does it hurt to lose that. I am not too sure about that crap it is better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all. Healing a heart is some serious hard work. I love my children so I wouldn’t change my life with Vinnie for anything in this world but do I even want to experience that or chance it again? God has been telling me He is giving the desires of our hearts but I am not sure I even have any, if I am honest. There is nothing I want or need. I could die today and know I lived a full happy life. My children are grown and self-sufficient. Then I search my heart again and realize I want to see more of them grow. I want to see my grands grow into adulthood. I want to meet my great grandchildren. I know when I will die because I asked. We literally have not because we ask not. I have been so scared to tell all of my story because, well, to be honest, if it were not my story I am not sure I would believe it but possibly think that person was nuts. I told a few people what happened to me and they told me, “dont tell anyone that they will think you’re crazy.” So, for eight years I didnt. I did not breathe a word of it to anyone about my experience with hell and the demons. I would tell everyone that would listen about heaven but not hell. It is time to end that and speak out. People need to know it is real. I was scared that as soon as I put my book out I would die so I had to work that out with God. I had to ask and I had to know that wouldn’t be the case because people need to know but if I were going to die as soon as it was out I wasn’t ready. My book being out and doing the will of my Father is for sure a desire of my heart. What do you want? If you used this year to seek Him next year you will see what is in your heart.. what do you want?!

I want love again. I want that. I want to share my ministry with someone. I want to share my Kingdom purpose with someone. It is a huge calling and I want someone that shares my belief system. I want another believer. I do not want a Christian wrapped up in religion because those are who told me I would be deemed as crazy and locked in a mental institution. I was not and am not crazy I was however brain injured. I believed things I shouldn’t have ever believed that others spilled into me. I might be crazy for God but as far as loony toon nuts I am not- well, maybe on some day 🙂 A severe brain injury and I shouldn’t be sitting here, and since I am I should be an invalid in a nursing home. Two weeks is all I ever asked for if I ever had to fight for my life and after that I want all machines off. I didn’t want to put my family through that heartache or have to live on machines. I woke up from a coma they said I would never wake up from on day 9. 5 days from the plug being pulled … 5 is God’s number for grace. Oh at the grace He extended to me. I feel like an emotional wreck tonight .. what a way to end this year, huh? But I know it could always been worse. My worse is laying in the MED in Memphis, TN dead. Dying in the chopper over there. Laying in my car for 45 mins while they cut me out.. those are my worst. Seeing my son scream; “she’s dead” as he got out of his truck because he was driving behind me. Nothing is worse than all of that even spending NYE alone in the bed writing in a blog… lol.

It doesn’t help any that I have been up since 330 this morning and worked for God this morning and kept my grands all day. I am a bit fatigued. I got in my feelings at about 1530 when I broke and started crying. I came into my bedroom and fell to my knees in prayer and just started sobbing. I didn’t really know why and I still dont but some of this must be why. I am taking the entire day off tomorrow to go eat at my best good friends house and getting some rest. That is unless I need to put out a word from God and that is fine with me. I enjoy my life with Him. A whole lot! I have been so scared to add anyone to this. Could I keep my relationship with Jesus the way it is if I add another person to the mix? Can I love two men? Can I love all of someone? Have I learned to pray more than I speak? Can someone out there love all of this crazy girl that I have become? Someone that laughs at absolutely everything? I can and I will .. is He out there? That has yet to be determined.

As far as the desires of my heart there you have it. Those are my innermost desires. Yes, I want more. Yes, I believe God has a perfect person for me. Yes, I believe that this person will love all of my crazy and they will love Jesus more than they love me and that is what I want. I want to share this with someone. I want to teach the world Who He is on a level they understand the full capacity of the love He has for each one of us. I want people to see the power that resides on the inside of them. I want people to obtain healing, total healing- mind, body and soul. I want people to understand that spirit realm that we do not normally see. I want them to know they have angels there next to them. I want them to know how special and how truly wanted they are. Rejection runs deep and I desire to help people see that is the pit of our own demise- rejection. God will never reject us and I want everyone to know that. I do not care about money. It is nice to have but God takes care of His children, I have no worries. I have had them but not anymore. Ok, I feel better now. You all got to read me search my own heart on what I truly desire for 2021. There are a few books I want to put out to teach what lectures cant. I want the businesses God promised me and the marriage He has been telling me about. I want it all. I want to be romanced in the same way God wants us to go after Him. I want miracles, I want the revival we all long for. I want football stadiums filled with people talking about God and there to hear about Him. I want the triple threat – salvation, healing, deliverance- for everyone. I want to travel the world telling my crazy story. I want the homes. I want the cars. I want the outdoor kitchen I have seen in a dream. I want He could ever possible dream about giving me. When I was with Jesus and knew I was coming back without a brain basically, for an amount of time He did not tell me about, all I wanted was wisdom. I wanted to be more intelligent than I was before my accident. I have had many titles in my lifetime: mom, Grami, nurse, criminologist, mediator, survivor but my most favorite is child of God. I know my title with God and there is no need for me to stick anything before my name and I have no need to add anymore initials after my name. I am over that! I just want to help Jesus save more people and hear well done my good and faithful friend when I arrive in heaven for good.

We all want something and I am telling you now to search your heart. See what you truly desire because He is about to blow your mind. Whatever He is sending you will be far better than your imagination could dream up. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.

If you find your heart is longing for something you never thought you would want again, like marriage, that was instilled there by God. Let Him work on your behalf. Let Him tell you who it is. Let Him work on you to prepare you for what He has for you. Let Him gracefully mold you. I might bend but I wont break and neither will you. Happy New Year my friends! Have a safe night. I love you all!

Your kingdom spouse knows it is you. God has confirmed this to them but there is some stuff God is still cleaning up in them. They know though, they know it is you. Ladies no matter what God has told you on who it is do not go chasing after a man. It is their job to romance you!

You have seen signs, heard things from this person, and seen the heart of your Kingdom mate. God said He has done a great work inside their heart for you. Your mate is coming and God will lead him straight to your door. I know God can do this because He has given me directions to someone He wanted to heal. It was a trip but God is more than capable. Be patient. Remain steadfast in the Lord. This person may not be your used to be type, not what you have chosen for yourself but God has handpicked them for you for HIs purpose. Remember what these marriages are about; they have Kingdom purpose to do His will. He sent them out two by two. Whoever this is for you is settling this in their heart – like even today. ( Ruth 3) read all of Ruth 3 and let God speak to you directly. This should be confirmation if God has promised you a mate.

God also says dress to impress. This will be like a Cinderella story because this person has been searching for you and now God has opened their eyes and heart to you. Someone is going from rags to riches and from the pit to the palace. I am so excited for you. Be encouraged and get excited. God also said divine appointments are coming – ANSWER your phone.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

All the love you will ever need is already on the inside of you. Love will and does abound. You are able to show God’s love !

Today comes from Hosea 11 and Ezekiel 37 – please read these and let God speak to you through His Word. So many are losing faith and that isn’t your portion. He doesn’t want anyone to perish but to know Him, He is your redeemer.

Hos 11 – verse 3. It is He who taught you to walk with Him. It is He who takes you in His arms but so many do not know He is why they are healed. He is who guides your steps. It is He who lifted you up and eases the yoke of the law over you. 7. People are turning from God even though the prophets are giving them warnings. 9. He is not mad at you. He will not destroy you but loves you so much. He is in your midst and will not revoke His covenant. God is a covenant keeper (Daniel 9) 10. He is calling you like a roaring lion and you will walk in obedience to the Lord. His sons are rising up (for the whole earth groans to the revealing of the sons of God Rom 8) 11. You are in transition to walk into whatever God has promised you.

Eze 37- Dry bones hear the Word of the Lord – surely He will breathe new life into you so that you may come fully alive. God will gracefully break you in order that He may have your full submission. His army is rising to show His power and might. There will be no idols among these people and they can make it without anything of this world. They will not have any emotions when it comes to money or fame. They are kingdom minded and focused on the will of the Father. God has set Himself inside of you and you are His dwelling place forever.

Please never forget how much you are loved. God is love and His love will and does abound forever. He made you and now it is time for you to go and share all that He has instill in you. Never forget who all of this came from. God is blessing you so much in this next hour but never forget Who made it all obtainable. (Deut 8:18-19)

Love is being tested or has been this week. It was not an easy task. It is not easy loving those that have hurt you or continue to try. There are some people that are wolves in sheep’s clothing but inward are ravenous wolves. Discern their hearts and you will know who to walk away from.

Do not allow anyone to shake you. You are unshakable and if you dont really believe this get it into your spirit by telling yourself this every single day. Affirmations or declarations change you.

I have had my granddaughters this week but as soon as they leave God starts talking. He told me to enjoy spending time with them and I have been doing things I do not completely understand but I am being obedient. If you get a text from me chances are it is not really from me but some kind of instruction from Him or something is coming your way and about to hit you. It’s so weird how we are all really one body and have the same mind. This was a huge revelation for me and it lets me know how to pray for people that I am tied to. If you thought I was crazy before this is gonna bring it on home for ya.. lmbo. 🙂 I cannot help but laugh with Him. He cracks me up. Jesus is a really funny guy and Holy Spirit has me laughing non stop. Our Daddy is just simply amazing and the light of my life. They are my absolute everything!

Today I had 4 of my granddaughters. I have 8 grands in all with some bonus ones recently added and I love them all the same but there is only so much of “babies” I could handle. I will be honest. Whining used to strike a nerve in me and when they want their momma and get tired of playing at Grami’s I know it is time for a nap haha. Today the baby, she is two, started getting whiny so I knew it was nap time and then she wouldn’t be still. The four year old asked me, “Grami is it nap time?” I love that because they know that I do love my naps, even though I dont always get to go to sleep with them. This supernatural energy is awesome to say the least. Anyway, we all laid down and then the two older girls went into the play room making all kinds of noise and that room is right next to my bedroom. I had two whining for a nap and two playing and sounding like they were banging pots and pans.. oh that used to be brain injury and noise. I could feel it trying to creep up on me but I will tell ya, I prayed for the grace to handle it and He delivered. And then the babies went to sleep and so did the two older girls. Man! Isn’t God good!!

Familiar spirits- these are spirits that tag around you all the time and like to remind you of your past. Once you have gotten over the past they will try and haunt you with it by talking in your ear. If you have forgiven everyone and what they did to you, love them anyway, and have forgiven yourself for being stupid but still have the past haunting you it is a familiar spirit. I laugh at them now and I want you to get where you do as well. TBI did a number on me but I know that I am over everything from my past so when I started having anxiety today because a baby was crying and the noise started to bother me I knew it was a familiar spirit, but not until after the fact when we were all still. That is when I really started praying for grace and God started telling me to laugh. I did not feel like laughing at that point because whining really used to get to me and on whatever nerve I thought I had left but not anymore. They are really good children and dont whine unless they are tired so it clues me into how they feel and we handle it. Today there was a haunting trying to come at me so I know they are taunting others. I laughed like I was told and it immediately went away. I find this ridiculously hilarious! Try it. When you laugh at a demon or a familiar spirit they know you know they are there. This also lets them know you know your authority. Trust me when i tell you these demons know your name and all about your past. It takes a lot to come here and be this transparent but I want you to win!

Strongholds are mental barriers implanted by lies we hear in the world that get inside us. Gal 5:9- a little leaven or one lie can corrupt your entire being. It will settle inside of your mind, the subconscious, and it is time for you to access the subconscious and pull that down. I have learned that through speaking in tongues and through meditation I can pull down strongholds immediately because I go straight to the subconscious mind. Once I am there we re-write my brain. Like literally. We rewrite the lie with the truth.

Prophetic words should be confirmation unless it is a word of knowledge or a word of wisdom that God has release this prophet to speak about. There are about to be some kind of crazy amounts of false prophets and I want you to be prepared. If you pay attention you can catch them already. As of yet I have not seen a 1000% bent the knee to Baal yet but I know they are coming. I want you to know as well. Your discernment needs to be on point in the next season. I am not sure how soon you’ll see this or when I will for that matter but get in the word of God and know Him. Know His voice and ask Him to talk to you in like a megaphone- He will. He is good like that. He yells at me sometimes because I am doing too much. He has told me to sit down and shut up but yelled it. So, I know He can come in loud and clear. God is about to have me releasing prophetic words and I have been scared to death to do this. I will be honest this 1000% takes crazy faith. All of what He is telling me and telling me do takes some cray cray nut job faith 🙂

Angels are about to manifest like in your bedroom. They are with you and you’re about to see them. I cant wait for that. Aren’t you excited? 2021 is gonna be lit! I cant wait to hear the testimonies. some of y’all are moving and it is gonna happen quick. I am not sure what God has told you but if He is telling you to pack a bag, dress to impress, or even pack your house do it as an act of faith. You never know when a divine appointment will occur. Get ready! And if He has told you to write a book sit with Him and write. We are finishing my book next week so I know He is on others about this. He will send you a publisher. He is taking care of everything. People are about to know who God is! Doesn’t it feel good to be done with that last season? I know I am so glad but I had a blast. God sent me on a few trips, vacation! One of my favorite things used to be to travel and He has given it back. I love it again. Each trip He has sent me on and the people i saw gave me a little bit more of me back. I had forgotten her and I realized how much I missed her. It makes me cry thinking about this and writing about it but gosh I missed ME! I missed me! I cannot even image how much my children and others must have missed this firecracker haha. I am a woman now and I am tired of trying to be a man. God will send my man and until then I will just get better at being a female.

I was a single mom. My husband died when I was 22. I left and became a travel nurse and raised my kids. I died when my youngest was 16. Over half of my life was lived in turmoil from losing that man and I had to become both parents. My children are grown now and I get to enjoy just being the mom. I get to be a woman for the first time in my life. I grew up in the ghetto and most people dont know that about me. You cant tell by looking, I hide my hood well 🙂 I had to be tough. I dont have to be tough anymore. I just have to love. God can be tough through me! I love that!! I love what He has done to me! I love what He has done to all of HIs children this is truly an amazing time to be alive. We are about to witness the greatest revival the world has ever seen. The book of Acts is about to look like child’s play compared to what you are about to see with your own eyes!! Get excited. Get real excited!! Help is on its way. Have a good night!

How many times as parents have we said this to our children? Or our grandchildren? I have five granddaughters and I find myself saying this a lot especially when it comes to them doing something that could hurt them. I don’t really care too much what they do but when it becomes a safety issue I will get on to them and tell them quickly to not argue with me but do what I said. I laugh at this because I just used this today. As it was coming out of my mouth God said, “Do you hear yourself?” I knew right then He was asking me why I had questioned Him on things He has told me. These are safety issues for my life. Why do we question God? Why do we constantly say, “Are you sure? Or was that really You saying that?” I say these things a lot to God and have to stop. Our obedience is worth more than anything we could ever sacrifice.

I have four of the five today because my daughter is at work and they are out of school for Christmas break … bless you mothers that stay home with your children at all times. I commend you to the highest degree. Especially if you have more than one to two children. I had two and I can deal with two at all times but four can get a little overwhelming. The oldest one goes into the toy room and starts throwing blocks at the younger ones. The baby starts screaming and I want to throw my coffee mug through the television set … its ok to laugh at me. I am just as a mess as everyone else. I dont even match my socks. I have to wear them but nothing says they have to match! 🙂 Then the lunch rush begins and everyone of them wants something different. Playing hide and seek but to hide on the other side of my bed and then I catch myself saying, “dont go over there you’re gonna hurt yourself.” It is really close to the wall and every time one of them moves I can hear and feel their heads hitting the sheet rock. Then the one next to the oldest questions me.. why? Why cant we hide beside your bed? I really didn’t feel like explaining myself to a 7 year old. I did but not before I said, “dont question me just do what I said..” she looks at me with those innocent eyes and shrugs her shoulders. Out of the room she goes and the two little girls follow her. Then, we go in the kitchen and I explain to her about how important her head is and how hitting the metal on my bed wouldn’t be good for it. How hitting their heads on the sheet rock so much isn’t good for them either. She shrugs again and just says: “okay Grami, if you say so.” That is kinda what I say to God when I get through questioning Him. If I don’t like being questioned when I tell a child to do something I am positive neither does He.

I felt like I have tried to negotiate with God for months upon end but I never win at this negotiating. He gets His way every single time. I quit! I quit with the asking why? I quit with the asking are you sure? Of course He is sure. If He tells me to do something I will do it. If He tells me to say something I will say it. Most of you have watched my process and I got to look like the insanely crazy person I am putting emotions in a blog. What He was telling me about the future in a blog. I looked crazy and I know I really appear nuts to some at this point. Let me just tell you that there is no negotiating with God. If He told you something will happen it will happen in due season. Your heart has to be right and ready to receive it and you have to be in a spot with Him that you dont dare argue but you get up and move!

We are all children. We all ask questions and that is normal but when we are told to do something we need to do it right then not after trying to negotiate. It like a child learning to wipe their own butt. It is a challenge that is defeated in due season. I have one that wiped her own butt today, by the way. And, we celebrated this milestone! We celebrated this WIN! It all a win. When we do what we are told without question we win. When we know to do something and we just do it it is a major win! We shouldn’t have to be told twice, sometimes two hundred times. I know I am only speaking of myself with that one. I was probably the most hard headed child our Daddy has. Take heart there are worse humans out there than you and you will learn to wipe your own butt in due season… haha